A book I adore has the quote “I’m on a rollercoaster that only goes up, my friend” (The Fault in Our Stars - John Green)
Now I would like to sustain the realisation I had a few days, perhaps a week ago, that I too am, like the fictional character Augustus Waters, on a rollercoaster that only goes up.
This said rollercoaster doesn’t exist. Of course it doesnt exist, it’s in a fictional book and also if there were a said certain type of rollercoaster it would be incredibly unsafe and so this is a metaphor as Gus is a big believer in metaphors.
And I would like to be too, however my metaphors aren’t nearly as fun nor, perhaps accurate isn’t the correct word to use to describe this but I’m going to use it anyway, accurate, nor also believable, as John Green’s.
Now let me draw your attention to my life. My life that has had only one direction, (not the band) this direction is just to appease others. Maybe live for others. This kept me going an extraordinarily long time and it felt good. This life having advised and helped and done things. But it’s becoming increasingly difficult to do and also becoming quite disconcerting. So what to do?
There is nothing to do but to push on, as difficult as it may be. As self-pitying I am, as sad, stressed. It doesn’t matter. My life is not HARD. In any way shape and/or form. Perhaps this disgust I feel every day is not because of what’s happening but of who I am and how I react to things.
I’m quite worried all the things I am or was sure about just isn’t the case. And the worry extends to my reaction to this sudden, or eventual jump into a reality I’m not sure I want to know about or live in. The stress of every day minor things is causing, as well as several illnesses which I don’t even know are real or just panic settling in all the time, snapping to ensue with everyone, and perhaps with this, I shall lose everyone and so finally purposely introvert myself. Not only to save myself from the disappointment in perhaps myself but also to waste no one’s time anymore.
possibly spend at least 4 hours in college every day,
even on the designated 2 hour days to
do well in college
eat well and
not be fat
have daily routine maybe for the fitness
not sleep at ridiculous times or
wake up in time for stuff
maybe this means I don’t need to go back on antidepressants that would be sweeeet
and maybe this means I’ll stop being such a bitch to everyone and quit the antisocial shite
get the new laptop and talk to people and thank them and love them and just be good
not forget this and/or be too sad and demotivated to do anything ever and then fail everything and cry and kill myself hot damn
They don’t seem a lot or to be very hard goals but they’re hella difficult for me. I’ve got the support from friends and family and college so I got dis.
Side note: What people don’t seem to understand is that I use my #actualblogs to document my feelings at a certain time, though I may not like to reread what I write, I find it helpful to have a written document of it. I understand this is all online and a bit shitty but when laptops break or whatever then you lose them. These on here have been going on for 3 years or so now, and it’s just been helpful. It’s either that, that it forces me to be coherent in my thought patterns in order to even put it in print, (internet print) as everything’s rather messed up right now. or it acts as a task sheet for things I want to remember, such as this current one here. Do with this what you will, apart from have a go at me for this because all I need right now is help. Also don’t quote or read anything I write, talking to me about it is fine, but I’m embarrassed so.
I should clarify that reading through my posts, I declare love for everyone, particularly guys, but I SHOULD CLARIFY, the things I’ve said haven’t changed and I’m glad I felt that way and shit happened because shit happened but how I felt will have been the same so fuck you if I sound gay
no one ever talk to me about what I wRITE EVER I SWEAR TO GOD
I thought I was doing alright apart from the whole drop out thing. But I was happy for what it’s worth. I felt useless for having not finished college yes, but I was happy, although part of that is because I was super deluded or so but still, only in hindsight.
But y’know, in 2013 I started again, I found things that made me genuinely happy, and people. I’m sorry for everyone I haven’t spoken to or lost contact with, don’t take it personally, I lost contact with everyone.
Now I’m not going to say 2014, new year, new me. I have no faith that I’ll do better but what I can say is that I want to do better and to do everything, and that’s all I can do. I can try my hardest in college, in people, in friends and family but there’s only so much I can push myself to do. It is so awful but I’m carrying on, and I keep trying. I have my moments thinking I’ll give up but what would that make me if I just got up and left? I’m trying, I will succeed eventually. Problems but no problems. So here’s to moving forwards, letting go, or moving on. Forgiving, asking for, getting and giving help, and here’s to just living.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m still as sad as I can be, or not. But it’s times like these that you gotta hold onto because it gives you the extra push you may not get on any other “ordinary” day. Even though it makes you more upset when you have no faith, but it’s okay because it’s just your human thoughts and how you deal with them.