Sometimes I wish I wasn’t retarded and finished college and went to uni at the standard age and time so I could be out, and I could meet new people and just feel a part of things again. But I didn’t, and so here I am, spending all my time on league and only ever talking to people online. I feel like I’m failing college again and my attendance is awful, but I get everything done. I honestly don’t know what I’d do if I was kicked out again. I definitely wouldn’t have the motivation to start it again. I started college after a year of gaming because I didn’t want to do nothing with my life, and I wanted to be an animator, or a character designer, but the path to it is much harder.
All I do now is college work at home and try and improve at league. Honestly, I think the thing I’ve put most effort in for the past two years is hai’s stream, and now oddone’s. Everything league related. I feel like such a shit, I want people to leave me alone but I just want them here too. I want to talk but I don’t care about the solutions because it bugs me because I just can’t do it.I wished everyone lived close, I wish some people would live with me so I could be there all the time and they’d be with me all the time.
This week is the week the college will ask people to leave, and I’m worried that one of them will be me. I’d go as far to say I wish I would just drop dead, but that’s only rarely and that’ll be just too much.
Healthy people don’t crawl into bed at 8pm and simply give up on the day.
Today I’m officially admitting that I have a problem and that it’s time for me to seek help. I’ve been trying to understand what’s wrong with me for over a year now and it’s become painfully apparent that I’m not going to…
It’ll all very good and cliche to say I know how you feel but I know how you feel. I however, have stopped writing things down, usually it is on tumblr but I got really bad hate messages from it so I’ve stopped, (and plus, I hate reading what I write down, or talking about it because this is literally how I format it in my brain, and it just goes down.) I guess I get embarrassed, but I’m going to reply to you. I’ve been a bit funny for about a year and a half now, I’ve tried medication but it didn’t seem to work for me. All my family are against it, so I don’t really take any, but I don’t mind, I’ll get better eventually. If it’s realizing I need pills after all this time, or something else, it will get better. Everything’s hard and you don’t want to do anything because it’s just not fun. I wanted to carry on with college and I wanted to do all these things but I just couldn’t get out and do them. It got to the point where I dropped out and thought, am I kidding myself with what I want to do. So I took that year to just play games, and it was all very well and good but I have to do something. But I worry I’m slipping back into the phase that made me drop out. Then it’ll be even harder on me because I know I won’t start going places and doing things again.
It’s just, I understand and I’m sure and I’m sure you know too and others do. It’s that thing where people say you are not alone and that’s all very well but I used to think, well what good does that do me if I’m not getting help. If things aren’t helping me get better. Sometimes I don’t mind as long as other people are happy, but I kick myself because I don’t do that anymore.
You have always been such a lovely person and I don’t care if you have a massive queue at the May MCM, and I have the tournament I have to do, I’m going to make the time and give you a massive hug. And if you don’t read this, you’ll just get a nice surprise and think I’m strange for crying onto you, IT’S K.
fyi I probably won’t cry I just feel like doing so right now.
whoever is sending you those hateful messages sounds like the lamest shit bag on the internet
Perhaps people ask me why I don’t just disable anon, but probably because of things like this. I mean, holy fuck I don’t deliberately go out of my way and send hateful messages to someone and type like a dickhead to pretend it’s not me, how low can you go
Honestly this is probably just one single asshole asking me over and over again and typing like an absolutely mong to try and hide that fact. Go ask him, I’m assuming you know him irl, perhaps you’re that bitch who tried to stir shit before, as you have time to stalk my tumblr and yet still be on anonymous. I’m not hunouring you, go do something else with your life you absolute fucker, you’re ridiculous and I have no more time for you.
Apparently I can’t post in my tumblr without someone ridiculing me. I can’t not post on my tumblr because anons ask me and stir shit anyway. But fuck you all. I’m angry and sad. I went into college on Monday. The first and only time since last Thursday, because I can’t do it. Who do I talk to now? I need to stop making other people sad so I’ll just do nothing about the things that are eating away at me.
So many things I thought were fine but aren’t, so many things I thought I could do but I can’t. Just everything is getting too much and I can’t do it. What happened? Where is everyone? Don’t people think about how other things may come across? I don’t purposely do things to hurt people. I’m jealous and I’m paranoid and sad. I just want to curl up but I have college and league, I want to talk but all I’ll do is moan and people are busy and have better things to do. What do I do now?
Hey. Same Anon as yesterday, don't give me this dropping out of college due to personal reasons bullshit, everyone in life has problems and we deal with them, you're just a lazy sack of shit to be perfectly honest. I haven't even see you anywhere around town, do you even work? My guess is all you do is eat fast food and chocolates, sleep, and shit, in a continuous cycle. Get off your ass and do something with your life, oh by the way, going to college for art? Not sure if serious, LOL!
Okay, you’ve been lying, how were we good friends and you haven’t known that I’ve been working since year 6? That’s ridiculous. I know everyone in life has problems and people deal with them, but some deal with them in different ways than others. Why would I go into town when I couldn’t go to college? ofc, I’ll drop out of college for these reasons and then go into town because that’s not contradictory at all~ Why won’t you just message me as yourself? You clearly have so many good points and are putting forward a great argument as to why you’re right.
I can’t reply because the internet here atm in awful so I’m writing this in reply because I have my defense to what you said.
We must have not been very good friends in high school. Those in my actual group of friends, I guess I have spoken to and I don’t know even who you think you are. Since ending high school and the first year of college I’ve had to drop out due to personal problems, and dropping out hit me extremely hard. I then spent a year basically doing nothing, not being able to socialise at all as much as I used to do. I don’t appreciate you coming onto this where I prefer to write everything down in order to formulate the thought process going on in my head. Perhaps if we were good friends then you’d understand and actually talk to me about it, as y’know you know me.~~ A lot of things have happened since then and I really don’t appreciate you coming on and using the one place I actually have been thoroughly honest and I’m actually quite offended.
Or rarely anyway. It’s just so full of shit, his new “sub mods” are full of crap too. It just makes me angry. Maybe I’m just full of myself but I put so much time and effort into his goddamn shit and xanbot and crap and then people come along and it’s just like well fuck okay then.
Most of them have no respect and are rude as fk. One uses his mod powers for his own butthurt shet, and another just does all they please like holy fuck. You’re not all high and mighty and being a mod doesn’t mean you can be rude as fk to the people. Fuck you all you make me so angry and I’m so dissapointed. I try and reason and shet but they all think they’re right and not fking rude and don’t even listen. I just don’t understand how this happened and why.
Will still support Hai and Cloud 9 as they’re my babies, but it’s just sad, after a year, to see it screwed over and I just can’t stay anymore, as much as I want to and love them okay bye.
It just feels like no one has any respect anymore. I’m sick of trying so hard and just making nothing out of it. Sometimes it genuinely makes me want to cry, thinking about what people have done for Hai and this and just to have things like this happen to it. Idk, I’m just frustrated and disappointed and Idk if I’m sad or angry so I guess I’ll just have to leave because what’s the point if I can’t change it or make it better anymore and it just makes me feel like shet gg
I didn’t go this year but from what I’ve heard the “meet and greets were awful!” Everybody who did not have a good time where complaining that there was no organisation, and that security didn’t take their complaints seriously, and that the whole venue was cramped. They also said that no information was given to them.
Now I’m not sure how they did things this year, because I didn’t go, and plus I’m not in the loop as an organiser, but I would love to help do so. I don’t go to gatherings to meet famous youtubers anymore. I went once or twice. I’d probably fangirl over league people more. But these youtubers, I class as my friends, or at least people I know and like and just haven’t seen in long, long time.
Any changes on meets and greets or talks should be given through twitter, which I’m just going to go ahead and assume that it was because that’s the usual thing people, like everyone does. They tweet. If you’re not following the SitC twitter, it’s your own fault. You don’t have a twitter? Perhaps make one just for gathering tweets. It’s not that bad. If not, don’t complain about it. I understand people may be super busy. I think it was the second year of SitC, possibly even the first. I was standing there talking to Liam and Tom was literally running everywhere and he seemed so stressed. This was their second year of running a gathering, in a venue with tickets. This is from just people turning up at a few parks in London then going to the pub afterwards. This needs SO much more work. And people were complaining about there NEEDING to be tickets, if you want this gathering to continue, the amount of people need to be regulated. It’s not regulated enough, you say? It was too cramped? Well they need to cover all the costs and if they’re going to sell the tickets for £16, they’re going to need a lot more people coming in.
People need to be grateful to these guys for keeping it running for so long. I haven’t been in two years but I can assume that it’s always been crowded. Back before the venues, the Saturday night gig at a random venue, that was always super full too. You can’t expect you to have your own bubble in these gatherings. Particularly Summer in the City.
My advice is to go to a smaller gathering. I’m sorry if it costs you a lot to get down and you think that going to SitC would let you meet all your Youtubers at once. It’s not like that anymore. The Festive gathering is always nice. Although that’s growing too. There are also Easter ones. If you like Liam (littleradge), crabsticks, Tomska, Mandy, Bing. You should come to the VidFest booth and see them at MCM, which happens twice a year. Even Jack and Dean where there last time, and Alex (nerimon) was/is there selling his Sopio cards. Some Youtubers don’t really go to gatherings. If they do, they think, oh I’ll choose SitC, I’ll meet lots of fans there so it’s okay. Yeah, you’ll meet a lot of fans but you’ll also disappoint some. I think Youtubers should attend more regular gatherings. Literally everywhere (maybe not everywhere) but everywhere I go, I can see Bing and Tom for a while, have a chat and a hug and it’s not crowded, and even if it is, I’ll get to see them another time.
It’s not the end of the world if you don’t meet a Youtuber. Although I was super sad that Hank was apparently there and I wasn’t. I’d really like to help and volunteer next gathering. I’m not that much of a bad person ;___; I forgot to ask Liam about it in May. Oh well, I guess I’l ask him in October if either of us isn’t too busy.
I mainly want to go to say hi to people I haven’t seen in a long time and to help. Like, I miss Hatti, Tim, Georgie, Jazza, Teoh etc. And of course, Bing, Mandy, Tom, Liam, Alex, etc etc Oops probably missed a bunch of people ;-;
Edit: Just to add, there was this girl who posted on the facebook group page and she went with her mum and dad and older brother and he seems young and she got pushed and brushed and cried and got a Jack and Dean shirt stolen off her and I’m just so damn tempted and really want to buy her a new one when I see Jack and Dean in October and mail it off to Sheffield for her but I can’t do that for everyone.
I don’t think I’ve ever felt more angry at myself, and stupid. Stupid because it’s a game and angry because I’m so shit and just can’t seem to do well. I might be able to if people were having fun and not trying to win so much. At least then I won’t feel so bad about my mistakes, si much so that I feel like not playing anymore. Fuck people really need to watch how they say things. I’m trying to do so but shit :6 idk. I feel like such a failure I’m so sad.
I love my baby, Julius. He is wonderful and brilliant and beautiful. He makes me so happy. He makes me laugh and is amazing. I just can’t express how much I love him and what he means to me ans what he does for me. I wish I could spend forever and all the time with him. He makes me want to cry but in a good way. I’m so embarrassing and I just can’t deal with it. In a way I can’t wait for him to go to uni so I can go and stay round with him. And the second year, when I could live with him if I didn’t have college. But I will have college. And I will do well. And I will make him proud. I will go to the expos with him and I will go everywhere with him, spend everything with him.
I can talk to him and he wants to be amazing for me too. So together we’ll do well. He’ll help me through things and hopefully I shall do too. I trust him and believe everything. Why do anything if you’re not going to give it your all? I’m going to give this everything I have.
God I’m so embarrassing but I want to let everyone know.
Julius is most things perfect. He’s not perfect. But neither am I. And so we aren’t. But he’s the best.
He’s asleep right now as I should be so I can be there when I wake up. I’m so glad he is who he is. I’m so glad he likes me. And I’m just so glad of everything. Thank you so much.
I can’t deal with this. What dooooo.
Recently or not so recently, I’ve got a boyfriend. His name is Julius, and he is wonderful. Honestly. Even though I think everyone is wonderful, I think he genuinely is.
He’s caring and lovely and asian and so cute ;____; I always feel the need to tell him how I feel about him because I think he should understand how much he means to me. But that makes me sad because I can’t word things at all. I don’t want him to be sad and I want to be perfect and brilliant for him. He’s says I’m cute and pretty and adorable, even though I just don’t see it at all. I want to be wonderful at everything for him so I’m going to try, try and improve everything. First stop: League ;) We can do basically everything together, mostly anime and league n___n I really do love him, there are faults in this but we can work through them, I’m honest with him and we’re both trying and I hope we can have one of those relationships which lasts forever.
I love the way he is, he’s super thin which makes me feel sorta bad x____x I love how he speaks and his style, I even love the way he cares so much about how he looks c’: I love how cute he is about everything and I love his views and how he thinks, even after anything that may have happened to either of us. I love how ridiculous he is that it’s funny; all the puns and jokes he makes. I love how understanding he can be and how he really seems to care about everything. With everything, he is possibly one of the most amazing people I have ever known, and I trust and believe him and he makes me happy. I wish he could see himself the way I see him.
It’s a plus how lovely his family and friends are too :3 bcus I sort of find it quite difficult being with someone if everyone around him hates me… Although Angela bullies me ;_____; I really want him to meet my friends and us to spend so much time together and do everything. He’s going off to uni soon and it’ll make me sad, but knowing he’ll be there for me in a way makes it slightly better.
I’ve been sleeping a lot when I’m round his, o0ps… I’m only using him for his bed/computer and Final Fantasy XIII-2.
That’s it for now, I can’t think of anything, I’m awful with words! Off to watch LCS and my bby C9 wreck scrubs y0
I really don’t appreciate you coming onto this and messaging me here as there’s no way I can talk to you about this here. As it’s a private matter if it’s a thing.
If this really was the case, you’d find me on facebook and be the good person and explain to me what has apparently gone on, seeing as it’s on this. I actually don’t have any choice but to just leave it, as I believe Julius more than something on this.
I would like you to message me on something else if you’re up for revealing who you are. At least if it wasn’t on anon I could reply to you properly, but if not. I’m sorry about that.
P.S I really am sorry. I would have told you in person if I knew you better. I can tell you are a really sweet, nice and pretty. After knowing what happened today, I doubt I'll forgive Julius's actions. However, what ever you decide to do is your choice.
I don’t understand what you’re talking about. I think you should give me some more information about this. I’ve literally been talking to him all day so idk when this girl could have come round.
Sorry to break this to you, you seem like a really sweet person. I am a friend of your boyfriend, Julius. I'm sure he has told you about this "girl" and what happened between them. He hasn't told you the full story - he's done something more which will break your heart and it is against the law. Go confront him yourself, because you don't deserve to be with him.
Having done this, to possibly hinder his and my relationship… It doesn’t seem like you’re really a friend of Julius’… To be honest, he hasn’t really told me specifically what happened between him and his past girlfriends. So I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’ll probably talk to him about it, although if it’ll make him sad I won’t talk to him about it a lot, I’ll assume he’ll know who you are? I don’t deserve to be with him? Or he doesn’t deserve to be with me?
Being a sensetive soul is hard. It hurts. But going through life wrapped in kindness is so much sweeter.
I try to be a good person and try to make everyone and anyone I can happy. This gives me such a wonderful feeling because I’ve made them happy and hopefully affected them in a positive way. And maybe they’ll remember me and be there for me. Which brings up the thought of if I were ill enough or if I were in hospital or housebound or anything, who would ask for me? Or make the effort to come see me? Or maybe put together any of the ideas I do to show someone how much they mean to all their friends. Not that I expect anyone to feel the need to be there or any obligation to do so, it would just be nice. And I guess I do need people but I just won’t hold it against them if they mean more to me than I do to them. My mood’s just been heading downwards for a while, I’m afraid I’m unsure what to do.
I don’t know what to do. I feel so lost. I don’t know if I like anyone, it’s probably not a good idea. I’m so indecisive and I feel like I’m not good for anyone. I think I’m onwards into a downwards spiral again. I feel so lonely.
I want to stay up talking to someone and not feel like I’m bugging them, I want them to want to talk to me. I want to stay forever with someone and not feel like im a bother and I want them to want me there. I want to know that they’re always there. I want cuddles and for them to be affectionate. I’m tired of feeling horrible in more ways than one.
I want to make everyone happy but I want to be happy too and that doesn’t always gp hand in hand. Things aren’t that simple and I’m feeling sorry for myself again. I want to talk about everything and nothing but I don’t expect anyone to want to or know what to say to certain things.
I never talk to anyone anymore. I hardly see anyone anymore. I’m just so tired all the time. Of not being useful, or just being used for when no one else is there. Of being disgusting. Of never being able to sleep or do anything. Of having this awful feeling everywhere all the time.